Passion Pays ;-)

I think... I found my passion! Hell no!... I KNOW I found my Passion today!!!

My mind is overflowing with ideas and my head is giddy with just the thoughts. I know not what precise steps I'll take but just the thought of heading in the right direction is enough for today. Tonight I can sleep my way with the content clarity of knowing where to head. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and wonder what steps to take. "Oh wait... forget the steps and the way", I scold myself and remind myself to focus on just 1 step each day. Lest i miss out on cherishing each moment of each step to the utmost each second.

I end with an edited version of the lines from my favorite poem:

I may have miles to go before i sleep,
But when i do,
Miles i would have before i ever have to weep.
Oh well, The woods may be lovely dark & deep.
But sorry folks,
Am a beach bunny who likes only the waters deep.
I care not for the woods so dark or the ravines so steep.

But happy i shall be with the waters bright & blue,
Spectators and passers near by shall get no clue,
About my once broken heart stuck now not needing any glue.
But held merely by the music of the wind & waves that then blew.

For Robert, it was the luscious woods that kept him from sleep.
For me, it shall be the Creator's created passion within me,
That would finally bestow me with the much needed peaceful sleep.

--Angel

Alright, Here is how i know I found my passion, today.

It was a cruel cold morning today. As i lay on my bed, sluggish with incomplete sleep yet straining to wake up and rush to work, suddenly i felt that familiar pain! Arrghhh... I wanted to cry out aloud but no! That would only worsen that pain... the agony of a thousand needles poking that single side of my head. 'Not today God, please. Not today', I think. Then slowly, without opening my eyes, I first reach out for my phone to check the time and switch off my alarm. BLARING Rainbow rings accompanied the pain now. If any of you have had any encounter with Migraines, you would know what I am talking about. If not, call yourself lucky and please spare trying to comprehend or compare this pain with a mere headache! Nevertheless, I had to keep going, so i take a quick look at the baby monitor to find Oswin still sleeping. 'Thank God', I say, ' At-least something is good this morning! Now i just need to get ready before he wakes up screaming'.

Hubby darling was out for work for almost the whole weak, so it was just me and the kiddo the past few days. That means : 4-5 hours of broken sleep, a full day of work, drop- pick up the kiddo on the way. Cook quickly, feed the kiddo, play with him, read to him & put him to sleep and tire myself out finishes whatever else i can do before i crash. Today was not any less sparing. But i was thankful for the Migraines today. Yup I am so glad that today is the day for the migraine. Not yesterday or any of the days when Mr.Hubby was away! That would have killed me! Anyways, so i get ready and continue on with my work. I have a good or bad or call it weird habit of not taking any medication for Migraines. Call it stubborn or stupid, but i just don't take any medication. All i do is have coffee (i don't drink any coffee at all otherwise) on this day. For some weird reason, coffee helps. But today was different. It was only afternoon and i had already had 2 cups of coffee and was sipping on my 3rd dose of Caffeine - Pepsi, no ice. But it was all futile. I reached my 3rd clinic/hospital of the day and walked in with the sunglasses and people starting at me. I make some silly joke about it before anyone else can and then add that 'hey, i just have a migraine and so the glasses'. Usually, i forget about my migraines when i get an adrenaline rush trying to troubleshoot or empathize with some patients. For just that moment, i end up forgetting about my migraines and that has worked many times in the past. However today wasn't one such day. On my way back, still with the Migraine, I mindlessly (& unsure if i should) switched on the audio book, preparing myself for the 45 min long drive. Usually sound or light worsens the sharp pain and so the confusion.

That's when it happened!!! Before i knew it, i had reached home and driven past it, not realizing that i just overshot. Now, i took the next turn and drove back home but purposely seemed to slow down. Those who know me, know what a crazy impatient driver i am. I race with the GPS time to reach the destination much faster. But today was different. I completely stopped feeling my pain...almost forget about the Migraine. Coz suddenly I realized what I enjoy! And what i needed to and wanted to do. I was overjoyed. Yes!!! Just like all of you, I have always searched for that one passion and struggled with singling out 'The One', out of a plethora of small small passions. Growing i had too many interests  crying out for my attention - Dancing, sports, friends and those moments building it, familial bonding, Dramatics, Poetry writing, Journal keeping, Evening walks, comic books, Science fiction, competition- of any kind, adventure sports, impromptu travels and many more. I loved all of them. So when Hubby recently asked me 'Angel, What is it that you really want to do?', I was dumbfounded. I couldn't get it out. I love my job, I love my patients, I love meeting so many people and helping them out but I still... there was this all consuming thirst. Thirst that kept whispering, more Angel...more. So i worked harder, slept lesser, aimlessly competed. I am that kinda person who at the mention of any competition, will have to win it or die trying! So that's exactly what i did. I competed in every competition within the company - both trivially small and national level ones and succeeded. But it wasn't enough...Isn't. What is it? What is knocking withing my soul, waiting to be heard? Work hard but don't ignore your passion. Work hard ...but play your passion harder.

When I realized it, it hit me hard! Stupid Stupid Angel! How could you not know this passion strong enough to cure your merciless Migraine and keep you joyfully awake despite the eons of sleep-starved nights? Yup, Mr.Hubby is back tonight and the baby is fast asleep. I know I have to wake up in a few hours but No i cant seem to stop! I love this fatigue coz the Joy is far beyond. I have been enjoying this since i was in grade 1 and how could i not see? A hundred ideas overflowing all at once. Wow. Its the finder's ecstasy!

Well, Thank God now. Thank you Jesus. I know what I want to to do. I'll leave it unto you to hold me and guide me through to it. That's it for tonight.

Goodnight world!

"To Strive and never cease,
To enjoy and always please,
Make not work your Love,
But work your way to what you Love.
Find your passion, find your beat.
And once you do, bump up the heat,
Step up and bid adieu to the back seat,
O' what joy it'll be when your purpose you'll meet. 
Train you heart to chase your dreams.
Then, miles apart and across the streams,
Will suddenly become much nearer to reach,
And no happy rules will you ever have to breach! "


Love,
Angel

P.S. Please leave me a comment or feedback. I would love to know what you think or have to say! 

Wake up World! Wake up India! Change your Views - For Women.

I am compelled to pen down my thoughts as an outcome of just having seen the BBC documentary, "India's Daughter". I have too many emotions boiling within me waiting to be expressed all at once as I struggle to prioritize which emotion I should be addressing first. Should I start with the strong sense of remorse for the poor girl - Jyoti, who was brutally raped and murdered or the overwhelming feeling of wondering and wanting to reach out to her distraught parents who have lost everything they ever lived for, toiled for and built their hopes and dreams upon. Being a parent myself and having raised my one year old thus far, I cannot even fathom the excruciating pain of losing a fine young daughter of 23 years! On the other hand, I feel a sense of utter disgust at having to share this planet with the heartless monsters like the rapists, who clearly show not even an iota of guilt over their misdeeds. And there are these other 'waste of spaces' in society - some educated but incompetent lawyers, (criminal yet) lawmakers, politicians and even many ignorant women themselves who approve of the appalling mindset of blaming the victim- the girl than the culprit(s) who should be severely punished. 

While I would like to salute the efforts of Ms.Leslee Udwin in rekindling the lost spark that was witnessed soon after the Nirbhaya incident back in 2012, I am also deeply disturbed by some of the responses to the documentary. Well, truth be told, the reaction of the government to ban the documentary is not too surprising. Especially, given the fact that the so-called government consists of a substantial number of people who share not only the same ruthless-baseless patriarchal views as the rapist but also are themselves unproven rapists roaming around freely and going about shamefully ruling our country. However, it is the reaction of some of my own friends and acquaintances who seem to strongly share the same view as that of the government in terms of the fate of the documentary- i.e. it needs to be banned!

Some of you have questioned the motive of maker of the documentary. Others have questioned the authority under which a foreigner has come up with such a piece of work that certainly doesn’t make us Indians proud. Yet again, there are the others who seem to reason out that this work, when telecast would be a moment of reliving the horror for the victim’s parents. Lastly, there is also this group that advocates that the rapist’s views should not be telecast.

In my opinion, the motive is evident and you too would realize it without me having to explicitly describe it, IF any of your emotions were strongly reawakened towards the end of the video.
Did you feel the pain?
Did you share the anger?
Do you feel that a change is mandatory?
Do you not feel that we as a society, as humans (firstly) and (only then) Indians should address this problem of gender inequality at its core?

If you did feel any of this – then that’s your answer to the motive question.

Talking about the second question concerning the right of the foreigner (the good Samaritan- if you ask me) to show our country in bad limelight, I have one question for you. Would it have made any difference if the maker of this documentary was an Indian? I believe, any anger directed towards the maker in this regard is a diversion of the well-deserved focus/anger surrounding the issue of rape & gender inequality. Put your anger as well as blame in the right place/issue, where it belongs. At least a foreigner has put in time & effort into raising awareness about an issue that still remains unresolved and is something that fellow citizens like us failed to do so. How many of you truly kept yourself up-to- date about what the proceeding of the nirbhaya incidents (& their likes) have been…let alone personally taken some actions to make any difference whatsoever? We almost forgot that we have an elephant (Rape & gender inequality issue) in the room (country/world) that we have turned a blind eye on and continued to move on with our lives…failed to put pressure on the change makers (aka lawmakers) and pursue not just justice for the past incidents but ensure a better future for our future generations by awareness, education and addressing the core issues/mindset. Finally, as a fellow human being and a woman, she (Ms.Leslee) has every right to throw light on the issue not-withholding herself to manmade political (country) borders.

Thirdly, my fellow concerned citizens who cry out for the feelings of the victim’s parents: Please watch the whole documentary first. The parents were definitely supportive and strongly advocated awareness about the issue that took away their precious daughter from them and yet, still hope to have this awareness bring about a change in the juvenile rapists’ punishment. They have clearly bestowed their corporation to the film-making (acknowledged in the beginning of the documentary and also substantiated by their own words in the latter half of the video). The parents have already gone through immense unimaginable pain and nothing would be able to perturb them any more than the lack of justice for their daughter’s case. If awareness is what is needed to bring about the awakening and a chance for justice- so be it. Even if I imagine myself in the shoes of the poor parents (incomparable & undoable!) for a minuscule second, amidst all the pain, I would certainly want my child’s death avenged with justice and not want it to be forgotten without a revolution of change.

Lastly, the ban issue is not about the ‘freedom of speech’ of the rapists! For goodness sake!
It’s about the freedom of speech of press, expression, awareness etc. Undeniably, there is a monstrous problem of gender inequality deeply rooted in our society starting from every home, every village, every classroom, courtroom and all the way up to the top governing personalities.

While you may question, ‘what is the point of just writing this or sharing a few words on social media?’. The truth remains that, even if we do nothing but share on fb, twitter etc, we get people (& ourselves) thinking…or rather RE-thinking their ideologies. The more the people talk about this issue, the more the awareness silently spreads…into their homes, into their office spaces, our classrooms and hopefully we all can at least start thinking and maybe… for every 1000 thinker/talker, even if we get a single doer, the cumulative change with be overwhelming over time.

Lastly, I pen this for my son (the future grown up man) to know how his mom felt and also to value his EQUALLY valuable beautiful counterpart gender – be it his mom, sister, friend or any random lady on the street. And thus I want to begin the change at my home.

Dear Son,

“Judge not a lady’s intellect merely by her dressing.
 Never undermine her inner strength and wisdom.

I am not asking you to put women above men…Nay, not so my son

But ask I, of thee,

To show no difference in judgment between either -Man or Woman.

While each have their unique areas of strength and weakness;

Where they excel each other in some way or another,

Remember, God our Father certainly sees us all as one,

And not any one less than the other
but each, an invaluable and equally precious gem with

Love worth pursuing and love unconditional enough dying for”

(not my original picture! just a relevant google image )

Every girl has a story...here's mine with a twist.

I've been one of you girls who have been recently reading all about those stories of girls speaking up about their experience with perverts growing up and how hard it has been being a girl in India. My story though along the same lines, has a different ending, a different place and many more differences. While I did not ever plan on writing about this issue, a recent encounter with an old school friend of mine reminded me of incidents long forgotten. Here's how it all started:

Last week, during my vacation in Dubai, I had the opportunity to meet up & reconnect with some school friends I had not met for over a decade. AAA, being one of them. During my pleasant nostalgic conversation with her, she exclaimed how her Dad still remembers me by my nick name from those school days - 'Jhansi Rani'. That came as a surprise to me as I myself didn't recollect such a nick name and asked her why he connected me with that name. To which, she proceeded to say that "It's coz of that incident in high school, u know… where u took the stone and chased that pervert away". And so the memories came flooding back... memories long forgotten. Nope, this one is not another sob story... it’s been just another amusing memory where I laugh it out. However, there are few issues I wanted to bring up from my own experience based on some introspection over the years.

Here goes the story:

It was just another weekday morning in Fujairah, UAE. (Surprise! It’s not India!). As usual I was running a little behind on schedule compared to my middle school sister who was already promptly ready and waiting outside in our usual spot for the school bus. I rushed and approached the 'galli - a narrow hidden street connecting 2 bigger streets', with my heavy school bag on my back. The next 5mins had way too many things happen way too fast. As I kept walking, I could see someone's head peeking at me from the other side of the narrow street. I assumed it was my little sister playing games with me and continued to walk forward. And then, within the blink of an eye, came this lean older sun-burnt scrawny guy, running with his hand stretched out towards me... towards my chest, to be precise. Boom! I lost my balance and tumbled a little as his dirty hand left a dirty hand print on my cleanly washed and crisply ironed blue school uniform. Thank you Jesus, for the reflexes in the next few second!

I immediately screamed at the top of my loud voice... not mommy...not daddy...not anything u can predict! Yup, I screamed “POLICE! POLICE...CALL THE POLICE...YOU RASCAL...HOW DARE YOU? POLICE...CALL THE POLICE...". And simultaneously, I bent down and picked up a big enough stone that i could manage to get my hands on... At the same time, i saw the guy freeze for a fraction of a second and then run away at top speed! I continued yelling "POLICE POLICE CATCH THAT SCOUNDREL... WAIT U RASCAL...U COWARD...STOP!@#$%^" and I chased him throwing stones at him all along. To this day, I curse my heavy school bag that slowed me and let that pervert get away! At that same instant, my mom who must have heard me from inside the house, came running out and without asking a word she started yelling, running and searching for that guy based on where i was looking and facing. This scene always stayed with me...'my mom running at top speed and yelling out' - firstly because she was recovering from a compound fracture on her leg and had a rod and screw put in her legs. So I hadn't seen her even walk fast in the past few months, let alone run and curse!

All was still again...no trace of where that guy had disappeared! All this within a few seconds in my memory! Within the next minute, my school bus arrived and I left with my sister and continued my routine school day as if nothing had happened. Except…I shared the story with my best friend, SSS in the school bus, which might have been overheard by a few others listening to us. After I got back home, My mom's first reaction after making sure all was well with me was to tell me not to say a word about this incident to anyone...not even my best friend...hmmn... well, it was too late for that. At that time, I was puzzled as to why my mom was so concerned about what I told my friends. Nothing really happened after all (especially in my teen mind). However I understood her concern a month later when i heard someone in the church ignorantly talk to me about some girl in Indian school who was almost raped but narrowly escaped! Really??? People??? That was heights of a story getting blown up!

A few things about this incident:

*While I never saw that man/pervert again after that day, it was not the first time I had seen him. In fact, I had seen him walking through that 'galli street' or standing opposite to the road and gaze from a shop...for over 2 years. While my inexperience n a little innocence had ignored any warning until then, this incident helped me hone my instincts and be hyper alert and observant of my surroundings later in life. Later, even during my College days in Philly, I would confidently walk to & fro from the library/college to home at all odd hours but would be on high alert about the people in my surroundings and also chase after muggers without a second thought (obviously after calling the cops)

* I have learnt that the more confident, alert and fearless u appear, it helps in keeping off perverts/attackers/muggers to an extent (just a personal thought...may not work for in all circumstances). After-all, most prefer an easy target. So don't be one. Stand up! Speak up! Scream if u have to.

* I have learnt that having a loud voice and speaking up is not bad. Yes I am a girl and yes I have had many people tell me to "talk softly dear, talk slowly...u r a girl". To all of those who told me that, here is my answer that i have been itching to give you ,'I am a girl, I have a loud voice and you know what, it has helped me more than once...be it in winning debate competition/ declamation/ extempore speech/ dramatics or even seminars in colleges... My loud voice has been a blessing and in the case of this incident! Thank God I can scream at the top of my voice, if needed"

* Most importantly, perverts are all over... just waiting for the right opportunity... and they aren't specific to any one country. What makes a difference, is how the society molds their minds/actions and deals with them. In this specific incident, the guy was surely scared of the consequences and yet took a chance. Thanks to UAE for having severe punishments for such cases. Had I kept quiet and succumbed to any fear on my own part or any baseless guilt, he would have gotten the better of it. As a society, we need to get the 'who-is-to-blame' right and stop sowing a seed of guilt in the girls’ hearts. We need to teach our girls to speak up... fight back... scream against injustice... act with courage and most of all "DON'T be Quiet! God has given you a voice...use it wisely. And yup, its not your shame (as Shehnaz puts it)"

Now for those of you wondering about my puzzling reaction to that pervert. Apart from God's Almighty grace, what prepared me for such an incident was .... the ugly truth that this was not my first encounter with a pervert nor was I ignorant of such happenings with my fellow kids. Over the years, I had rehearsed n re-rehearsed in my mind about getting back at that breed of ethically & morally deformed members of our species. 

Praise God! For he has truly given his angels charge over me , every single time...despite danger putting its ugly nose up against mine but letting me escape away each time... unscathed ,,, unperturbed.

AMEN!

To the world, from a new Mom!

Hello World,

At this moment, I want to scream & yell out in the loudest voice I have,

“No, you have no idea what all we have done and all we haven’t done to take care of our child” &

“No, you can’t fathom the depth of our love for our child, so please don’t even dare think…even for a moment in that junk-o-genesis head of yours that ‘your child is deprived of parent’s love’. 

And  “Yes, I love my child so much that I will do the best for him even if it means I have to put up with a  few of his tears so that I can make way for a ton of his smiles in the future”. 

“No, It’s not about me/us…it’s all about the child…at least for us, parents. No, I don’t care if you are going to judge us…go ahead and do it… all you want but NO, I will not let that tamper my judgment and compromise long term benefits for my child,  in raising my child in the best possible way I can strive to keep finding out about”

This is in response to anyone & everyone , both to the ‘truly tenderly lovingly concerned yet I don’t have the patience or time to be anything more than ignorant’ and to the ‘hardly concerned but I just want to throw out my judgmental opinion about your entire parenting based on my expert 15mins to 50mins observation’ types.

 "Yes, I love you all…my family, my friends, my folks, my countrymen, my fellow humans… But I don’t have to prove that to you by following your instruction on how you think I should raise my child – be it feeding him or putting him to sleep! If I choose to breastfeed him rather than clean up my messy house…so be it. Please take heed and leave it to the parents if they chose CIO method or the No Tears method for sleep training. Trust me, the suggestions you are thinking of right now, might have already been tried and failed a thousand times , including a hundred other options that you would not even have thought of. There is always a reason that you might not be able to perceive it simply because you are not spending every passing second of your life thinking about the baby since before his/her conception, like the parents do.  And that is absolutely fine! No one expects you to understand too but please reserve your hurtful opinions in the same way towards the parents.

Rather I would feel like and truly be a bad parent if I succumb to the pressure of being judged and thereby raise my child trying to please everyone but the future-grown-up child of mine. And of that I could never forgive myself. It would be inexcusable for me to knowingly have done the second best things for my child despite my better judgment, merely on the grounds of pleasing friends, family & the society.

 “No, I am not Perfect and I don’t know everything but I promise this one thing, not for you but for myself & the Great Lord who has blessed us with the raising of this precious child, “ I will always do my best and strive to find out what the best is for my child, relentlessly and never cease to learn and make better my own judgement within the scope of the limited human knowledge I have been bestowed”

What am I trying to accomplish by my outcry to the world right now? I guess nothing really...or how about maybe something simple as :

The next time you see a kid scream and cry, be it in your neighborhood , mall or a random plane, PLEASE Remember before sighing & judging "The parents are trying their best too. Give them some time to cope up, learn, blossom and be experts". Soon, very soon they will master the art of instantly soothing or calming or controlling the situation . Nevertheless, you may still end up in a few such awkward moments despite reaching parenting level : Expert.

The next time you see a messy house with a newborn kid. Please hold your peace (& you tongue) for though you know that there are 24 long hours in a day to clean up, what you know not is that every single second of that hour might be consumed by the time required for caring for the baby - feeding, pumping, atleast hopefully 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, dumping (yes, i said that), changing diapers, cleaning that stray poop and the projectile burp, eating, cooking, working full-time, washing/sterilizing the bottles & pump (multiply that 5 times a  day!), grocery shopping etc . (Sigh...i should soon write an elaborate break up of this 24 hour schedule on another page...another day)

Trust me , I have been there on the other side, not very long ago where its easy & quick to judge someone having a tough day with a kid in public or at home. If I could go back in time, to that exact moment and tell something to my past self, I would whisper in my past self's ears,

' Firstly, Stop staring... And just give those parents, a smile.. and if you still want to say something, tell them " Your kid is adorable"!'

Yup, that's the erase it all magic word that makes it all better and worth it. :-)